The changes in my life feel like a flash flood during a drought. Sudden. Imminent yet unexpected, healthy for the soil and the roots below, but aggravating too, like stepping in mud with brand new sneakers. The squish means much needed sustenance, but it nonetheless sucks to scrub the residue.
For the first time in the history of my blog, I have a boyfriend. A real, actual, in-the-flesh person who makes me so happy and whose hugs make me feel like I've come home.
But the addition of this person, let's call him B., has brought something of a flash flood to my world, and so many other elements of life feel the upheaval of this weather pattern. Which pains and aggravates me. And that upsets/saddens me more, because I don't want to bemoan my joy. I just want my life to be simple and full of butterflies, like it was in the first few months.
As O. pointed out to me, I've thought about this relationship much longer than I've been in it. (Being single for 3-plus years does this to a person.) Consequently, I created an imaginary storyline that looked something like this: Girl meets boy. Puzzle pieces click into place. Gospel choir bursts into song.
The reality, though, is that while having a partner makes life more enriching, it also makes it more complicated — because there are more people to consider, think about, invite, mull over, integrate. They never show you this in the movies. Nope. In Hollywood, everyone always lives happily ever after as the credits roll.
I am trying to make everything and everyone stay the same, but I think holding tight to the naive notion that this is possible is making me feel worse. It's difficult to accept the science: the terrain is never the same after a flood.
Still, I want the old soil to make room for the new soil transported by the storm. And vice versa. And I'm having a difficult time synchronizing all of this. O. suggested I stop trying to control the situation, that I get some distance, wait out the rain, and have faith the ground beneath my feet will eventually be smooth, clean, solid enough to build upon again. I hope she's right.
In the meantime, I'll pray for patience like desert-dwellers pray for precipitation. I will do things and be with people who make me happy, who free me from my crazy brain, who remind me that I don't have all the answers — and that no storm or drought can bring them.
p.s.
Eight months without a post. Oops.
I would apologize, but I don't feel too bad. I've been retreating to my journal throughout the hiatus because the blog post just didn't feel like the right forum anymore. I doubt this latest post means harkening back to the old days when I blogged often. But who knows?
YAY!! I was astounded and beyond happy to see your post pop up in my blog reader! O is right - wait out the storm - things will be waiting for you, all shiny and clean from the rain. :)
xoxoxox
Posted by: Claire | March 11, 2009 at 06:16 AM